This illustration by John Schmelzer appeared in the December 1986 issue of Ford Times.
This illustration by John Schmelzer appeared in the December 1986 issue of Ford Times.

BURLINGTON, Wis. — Beth Schuster of Burlington, Wisconsin, has been declared the Champion Liar for 2022, the Burlington Liars’ Club announced today.

When told she had won the contest her reply was, “It is my first lie.” However, the club said they highly doubt that’s true.

Her winning submission reads:

“My husband uses a sound machine to fall asleep. The other night he chose an incredibly realistic sounding rain shower track. Imagine our surprise when we woke up to 6” of water in the basement.”

Beth Schuster of Burlington

Honorable Mention in no particular order:

“We bought a new electric driverless car – the trouble is the car won’t let my wife in because she is a back seat driver.”

Wayne Everts of Salem, Wisconsin. Everts received an honorable mention in 2022 as well.

“My mother was a very short woman. In fact, she was so short she could tie her shoes without bending over.”

Alvin Gabriel of Union Grove, Wisconsin

“As I was learning to drive, I would visit my grandmother (who never learned to drive). I told her I needed to practice how to parallel park. To which she replied “Where is Parallel Park?”

Karla Herrmann of Burlington, Wisconsin

“With the price of eggs so high, I’m going to start a new business repairing cracked eggs. I’m looking for an old gas station garage to set up my shop, preferably a Shell Station.”

Ed Gillmore of Union Grove, Wisconsin. Gillmore won the contest in 2016.

“My wife’s cooking is so bad we PRAY after the meal!”

Daryl Lockwood of Waupaca, Wisconsin. Lockwood is a three-time winner, taking the honor in 2021, 2019 and 2020.

If you would like to enter the contest for 2024, email your entries to championlies@gmail.com or address them to The Burlington Liars Club, P.O. Box 156, Burlington, WI 53105.

Newspaperman Mannel Hahn is credited with giving birth to the Liars’ Club in 1929.

According to an article in the 1940 Rotarian Magazine, Hahn was living in Burlington, and I was freelancing as correspondent for the Milwaukee Journal and the Chicago Daily News.

Unfortunately for Hahn, there were no fires, murders, or train wrecks to write up and send to editors following Christmas of 1929.

So Hahn says he sat down and concocted a fantasy of the non-existent meeting of an ephemeral “liars’ club” and its award of a medal.

READ THE FULL HISTORY HERE.

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By Dan Plutchak

Dan Plutchak, born and raised in Kaukauna, is cofounder of Kaukauna Community News.